Gopher Hole Version-"Night Before Christmas"


Well-known member
Sep 12, 2009
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T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the ‘Hole
No one was stirring, nary a soul.
Stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
With hopes that St. Nick would soon be there.

Gopher fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of banners and roses danced in their heads.
And I, in my bed, had this really strange dream,
It was so very real, that lifelike it did seem.

Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
As I looked at the yard, uncovered with snow,
I had a vision of Santa standing below.

He spread his arms, oh, so very wide,
And declared in a loud voice I could hear inside,
“Tonight I’m appearing before all Gopher fans,
And as St. Nick, I promise to fulfill their commands.”

“The gifts I bring will not fit in any old sock,
So I will simply stand here in the cold and continue to talk.
First, no more shall Tubby play a team from a place like St. Mary,
From now on, his non-conference schedule will be more scary.”

“Next, I’ll give Tubby a new practice facility,
So he can recruit to the best of his ability.
Now whether Tyus Jones someday he will get,
Even Santa’s not sure how much money you should bet.”

“Then, as a gift to those who complain about it a lot,
I will make sure that Tubby defends the three-point shot.
However, there is one thing about him I can’t change much,
And that is Tubby’s hockey-type substitutions as such.”

“Rodney will continue to soar above the rim,
And I promise that his free throwing shooting will be far less grim.
Although Ralph in the paint will never hammer and batter,
I think I can make him look as if the games sort of matter.”

“And the more that people will see of Julian Welch,
The more the bitching about Tubby’s recruiting he will squelch.
Now about another year of play for Trevor Mbakwe,
Probably not; though it would be one less name poor Sid couldn’t say.”

“The Barn again will resemble the raucous night,
When the Gophers put up 108 points on Coach Knight.
Again, the building will shake and roars will echo in the street,
As the teams of Izzo, Ryan, Motta, and Painter you defeat.”

“I can guarantee that not only will you be in the Big Dance,
But I will tell Gopher fans, you will also advance.
When they finally win a tourney game, on that great night,
People here can stop lamenting the tale of foolish Royce White.”

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples were merry!
His cheeks were like roses; his nose like a cherry!
On top of his hair, Santa wore not a hat colored red,
But rather Gopher ears stuck out instead.

And I continued to be under his charms.
Again, he was talking while waving his arms.
“I haven’t forgotten the team under Coach Kill,
They obviously have many needs to fill.”

“First, the offensive line will get a whole lot bigger,
The quarterback will have more time to pull the trigger.
With lads like Bush, Olson, Pirsig, and Campion,
The Gophers will soon be the Legends champion.”

“No more will his passes sail, wobble, and stray,
As Gopher fans will sing praises of Marquis Gray.
Too late now: but if only his coaches had been this stable,
Poor Adam Weber would have been a lot more able.”

“Coach Kill’s recruits, no stars will they lack,
That will gladden the hearts of those who like to keep track.
The coach’s recruits they will continue to analyze and disect,
But even those players he steals from the MAC, they will respect.”

“No longer will the enemy’s receivers run unattended,
As I will make sure the Gopher’s secondary problems are mended.
Coach Clayes will also be given a pass-rusher stud,
Who’ll be able to spill some Bucky and Herky blood.”

“On offense, no more will passes bounce off hands for naught,
From now on, all balls will be snared, snagged, snatched and caught.
A couple of those ends will actually have 4.4 speed,
And there will be a bruising back or two to fill another need.”

“In the future, when there’s a punt by your kicker,
Folks will no longer reach for their bottle of liquor.
Speaking of drinking, even I can’t meet one of the folks’ demands,
And that is to let them have booze in the stands.”

“It would be nice to give the U some more recompense,
But nobody ever accused your legislators of possessing much sense.
Still, to the Bank, Gopher fans will come, noisy and hearty,
And after the game they’ll all sing the ‘Rouser’ and party.”

“Never again will a miserable fan from Minnesota,
Have to sit through a loss to a team from Dakota.
And Pat Reusse from Fulda, still fat, wheezy, and lazy,
Won’t be writing those columns that make folks just crazy.”

“Not only the Pig, but also the Little Brown Jug,
Gopher players from the field one day shall lug.
However, the greatest joy will be in seizing the Axe,
And giving that jerk of a coach a flurry of whacks.”

I stood at the window with mouth wide open,
For all these were things that I had been hopin’.
There has been no Rose Bowl in many a decade,
And we also have suffered since Clem performed his charade.”

But with a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa let me know that the bad times were dead.
Giving a nod and laying a finger aside of his nose,
Up to the roof, Santa quickly rose.

As he was clattering about, I heard him say,
“There is one more gift to fans before I go away.
They will soon be bidding good-bye to Joel Maturi,
That should cause a bit of rejoicing and still much of the fury.”

From on the roof, I heard not reindeer names,
But great players from past Gopher games.
“Now Dusty, now, Jackson, now, Stephens, now, Saint Tony,
On Hudson, on, Burton, on, Bell, on Lawrence Maroney.”

Year after year of losing and frustration,
Will give way to winning and joy in Gopher Nation.
For when the Gophers get to that magical Rose Bowl,
There will be no one here who will continue to troll.

Oh, the Off Topic board will still have its endless nasty debate,
After all, they think they determine the nation’s fate.
But, if all Santa said does come true, I know that on this forum,
Rancor will stop, and there will be peace and decorum.

I slowly sat down with my head just a’spinning,
Thinking what I had seen was real, I couldn’t stop grinning.
I knew for sure that my mind had not played a trick,
Gopher angst was over, thanks to St. Nick.

And I heard Santa exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to Gopher Hole, and to all a goodnight!”


Well-known member
Nov 11, 2008
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Very well done!!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's!

Go Gophers!!


Senior Moment Member
Jun 10, 2010
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After reading that I'm exhausted. Well done, Mulligan, and Merry Christmas to all Gopherholers.


Active member
Nov 24, 2008
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Good job, Mulligan. It only took me 3 beers to get through it because I chuckled so many times with foam coming through my nose. Thanks, and Merry Christmas.
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