Bring us back The Stein or continue to suffer the consequences

It is I, Detlef of the Essen Haus, who has found his way to this little corner of Gopher geekdom to bring forth my family's annual decree. For those of you who do not recall my lore with regards to the longest consecutive rivalry in Divison 1 football here is a refresher:

http://thehole84398.yuku.com/topic/8423/t/I-am-back-to-bode-doom-and-gloom-to-all-Gopher-fans.html

To bring those of you donning maroon-and-gold colored glasses up to speed neither the Essen Haus nor the Erlichmann family have yet to receive our treasured family heirloom, the 5 liter stein which was quaffed by a known Gopher fan that loathesome night in November, 2006. Truly a day that will live in infamy for generations to come within the Erlichmann clan. But let me brush aside my tears for a second on the memory of the missing stein because I am about to announce some news that will be a punch to the taint of the puny Gopher Nation: My grandmother still is alive!

To those of you golden gerbil loving fans smart enough to believe in my grandmother's spell you know the future of the 2009 season will only bring pain and suffering if the aforementioned stein is not back in my family's loving arms by 1100 CST this coming Saturday.

So GopherHole readers, I implore you to denounce one of your own and play Judas. We now know the cyber individual responsible for this shameless act of thievery. His nom de plume: Gutter Helmet. I have tried to reach out to this larcenous character ever since our virtous leader, Brett Bielema, lead the Great Red Army back from behind to defeat your sorry 13 lined-squirrels last November in Madison (which was rated the #1 college town in the country, BTW). Despite repeated attempts of amicability Gutter Helmet refused to return the stein. My grandmother's fury escalated and she ratched up the intensity of her spell of doom and gloom upon the Gopher Nation and look what happened - 5 consecutive losses to end the season including an embarassing loss to your other superior rivals, the Iowa Hawkeyes.

My most recent attempt to make Gutter Helmet return the valued stein occured this past weekend. He flatly refused to return the invaluable artifact. Incensed at this cowards lack of compassion towards humanity my beloved grandmother delved deep into her Bavarian Book of Magic Spells and came up with some trickeration. What was the result? Two suspended players -which includes a starting defensive player who will not suit up this Saturday when the Badgers and 15,000 of their followers christen that lean-to you call a stadium.

So I lay any impending guilt upon you, the Gopher football fan and reader of the GopherHole, if the stein in returned to the hallowed halls of the Essen Haus . Bring any damnation not upon the benevolent Badger brood but upon Gutter Helmet himself. He is the enemy of your program. Not the programs that tote around an Axe or a Pig after their annual wins at the expense of Minnesota Gopher football.

If you need photographic proof of this travesty I present it to you. This is the man is bringing down your program. Until the stein is returned no Gopher football fan shall ever see the endzones of the Rose Bowl painted your programs pathetic shade of maroon and gold.

Man, I gotta say...if we lose again...give back the stupid stein.

If we win....carry on.

hahaha, man, this is the stuff that rivalries are all about, this is hilarious. This Detlef character is pretty damn funny too, he deserves some props for having fun with it. And how about that picture

To echo tikited, if we lose again, bring the stein back!!!!!

This is the reason I love this week.

What will the Erlichmann clan say about its spell when Decker and Weber run across TCF Bank Stadium field to reclaim the ax?!

Great stuff as usual.

Go Gophers!!

This Gutter Helmet dude looks learned with all those leather bound books behind him as well as the triple malt scotch. You will never find that from a UW grad. Keep the stein Gutter Helmet, the old witch will die sooner or later!

Gutter helemt where art though Gutter Helmet?

I would like a beer from the Stein but if it means getting that Axe back then I say trade in the
Stein.

BleedGopher said:

What will the Erlichmann clan say about its spell when Decker and Weber run across TCF Bank Stadium field to reclaim the ax?!

Great stuff as usual.

Go Gophers!!

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that the minnesota decker and weber clans are far superior germans when compared to the gene cesspool that is the wisconsin erlichmann's!

This is a great legend, but why are you crying over a peasant's mug with a decal on it. I thought the stein would be covered with intricate engravings, paints and family crests. Maybe some elk antlers or boar tusks. You know, a real German stein. If your grandmama is in an uproar over this, how could anyone possibly live with the old wretch because she'd be complaining about ... every ... little ... thing. The way you talk about her, she must be a gypsie and not a true German, a German that has a heart of schnitzel and veins running with pure beer. Only such a family would cry over a stein that was probably bought at a flea market in Milwaukee. I'm glad Gutter Helmet confiscated it because you, your grandmama, or anyone in your family are not worthy of even the plainest of steins.

Ha ha i can't stop laughing right now.

WAGopher said:

This is a great legend, but why are you crying over a peasant's mug with a decal on it. I thought the stein would be covered with intricate engravings, paints and family crests. Maybe some elk antlers or boar tusks. You know, a real German stein. If your grandmama is in an uproar over this, how could anyone possibly live with the old wretch because she'd be complaining about ... every ... little ... thing. The way you talk about her, she must be a gypsie and not a true German, a German that has a heart of schnitzel and veins running with pure beer. Only such a family would cry over a stein that was probably bought at a flea market in Milwaukee. I'm glad Gutter Helmet confiscated it because you, your grandmama, or anyone in your family are not worthy of even the plainest of steins.

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Nicely done.

That's a huge stein.

How about returning the stein AFTER the Gophers beat the badgers as a sign of largesse?

How about returning the stein just as soon as the Slab of Bacon is either A) put back into circulation or B) donated to the College Football Hall of Fame?

Looks like Gutter Helmet has taken a few too many swigs from the stein over the past couple seasons. Dude might want to switch to some light beers or else he's not going to be able to fit into his lederhosens anymore.

LMAO! It sounds like we have a new unofficial trophy - the battle for the 5 liter stein! Go Gophers!

DetlefWithTheEssenHaus said:

the 5 liter stein which was quaffed by a known Gopher fan that loathesome night in November, 2006

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I was unaware one could drink a stein. Not the contents, but the stein itself.

So if I understand this correctly, in 2006, we were cursed due to the actions of Gutter Helmet. Months later, we left behind Coach Mason, who brought this program out of the basement of the Big Ten and into mediocrity, and brought in Tim Brewster, who has followed with some of the best recruiting classes I've ever seen as a Gopher fan. What has followed is a noticeable increase in talent and, as these kids have begun to mature, competitiveness. As if this wasn't enough, since the stein was stolen, we have opened our new on-campus stadium (start of construction, spring 2007), returning football to the University of Minnesota and bringing the program one more massive step closer to returning to its original dominance. To anyone paying attention, it is obvious this team is on the rise.
On the other side of the river, 2006 marked the beginning of the head coaching career of Bret Bielema. Since the glory years of Alvarez have passed, Bielema has led the Badgers slowly but consistently down through the ranks of the Big Ten, and is widely known to be an inferior coach to Alvarez.

To summarize, it looks to me like either the good luck of the stein has overcome any dark magic used against us, or, more likely, Grandma is a Gopher fan. Ski-u-Mah, granny!

My two favorite parts about the story:
1) Stein stolen due to security guard flirting with snuff girl
2) Detlef throws in at the very end "P.S.: Happy Hour is weekedays from 3PM-6PM"

I will be 85 years old and on my death bed, but if it's happening the week of the Gopher-Badger game, I will be thinking about Detlef from the Essen Haus & ChinaGopher and the chair leg in the eye socket. Simply classic!

HAHAHAHAHHA, this is fantastic. An old witch puting a hex on the Gophs for because a fat drunken fan stole her $5 stein! GOD I LOVE RIVALRY WEEKS!!!

Honestly though, well said and funny as hell. I'm laughing pretty good over here

Where is Gutter Helmet's response?

Can't start a message board legend and then not participate. Where is the mysterious Gutter Helmet?

gopherdudepart2 said:

Can't start a message board legend and then not participate. Where is the mysterious Gutter Helmet?

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Wondering aimlessly on Yuku board?

Oh, and one other thing. If the stein was indeed stolen in November 2006, then the weasels weren't playing the Gophers. It was an October Axe that year.

But this message board has never been one to let facts get in the way of a good story.

I agree with most others: one stein for one slab of bacon.
Two things I have learned from this thread:
=I will definitely be making bacon for breakfast at 6:30 on 10/3
=I will pay big bucks for just one drink out of the famed stein.

dpodoll68 said:

I was unaware one could drink a stein. Not the contents, but the stein itself.

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Difficult, but not impossible. There was a guy who ate a bicycle. Neither is advisable.