What kind of sports fan are you?

jfhlavka

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I came across this article a few years back and thought it would be interesting to see which type of sports fans everyone is, especially after some disheartening losses.

The 20 Types of Depressed Sports Fans

1. The Fan Who Punches a Wall
This guy (and it’s almost certainly going to be a guy) reacts to a devastating loss with physical violence. Usually that
comes in the form of a wall-punch, though occasionally he’ll mix in a double-palmed coffee table slam or a pulverized
remote control. This will be followed by an uncomfortable silence as everyone slowly inches away from him.
Eventually, somebody may try to break the tension by offering him a drink or complimenting his Ed Hardy shirt.
Your level of amusement with this fan’s antics will be directly correlated to whether you’re watching the game at his
house or yours.

2. The Single F-Bomb Fan
This fan is a traditionalist. He or she responds to every negative twist and turn with a single f-bomb, followed by a
brooding silence. Simple. Timeless. Almost, dare we say, elegant.
This fan actually comes in two sub-varieties: The short f-bomb, or the drawn-out f-bomb. The former gets bonus points
for volume, while the latter is aiming for endurance.

3. The “Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God NOOO!” Fan
This is another classic reaction, though it’s rare among veteran fans. That’s because it implies some sense of surprise at
the end result, meaning that on some level, the fan was actually expecting that something good might happen. If you see
somebody reacting to a play this way, you can count on them being a relatively new fan. Don’t worry, they'll be cynical
and broken down like you within a few years.
Fun fact: You can predict the length of the “NOOO!” by counting the number of “Oh my Gods” that come directly
before it: Each “Oh my God” adds one additional "O." It’s science!

4. The Superstitious Fan
This fan is not one to passively sit by while the game goes bad. He has a plan, and that plan will save the day as long as
everyone just does what they’re told.
He will usually start off simple. Expect to be ordered to switch seats. Food items will be banished from the room.
Alternate jerseys may be assigned. Furniture will almost definitely be moved around. If the game is available on another
channel, expect to end up watching that even if it’s being broadcast in a language you do not understand.
As the situation deteriorates, the Superstitious Fan will come up with increasingly complicated ways to turn the fortunes
around. This could involve group meditation, ritualistic chanting, or setting something on fire. Just go with it. Look, do
you want to win or not?
An important note: Do not question Superstitious Fans. They have a lot on their mind, and they certainly don’t need to be
bothered with a lot of silly queries like “Why are we doing this?” and “Have you lost your mind?” and “Didn’t you have
a beard five minutes ago?” and “Wait, why does my spouse have to watch the rest of the game from the fire escape?”

5. The “How?” Fan
As demonstrated brilliantly by that one guy at the 2:05-minute mark in the Leafs video, some fans respond to misery
simply by asking “How?” over and over again. If the loss is traumatic enough, they may spend the rest of their lives
randomly shouting “HOW?” during movies, job interviews, and their children’s weddings.
Nobody ever answers them, nor do they want to be answered. There is no answer. There is only pain.

6. The “Why?” Fan
This is the more philosophical version of the “How?” fan. This fan is skipping past the formalities and going straight for
the big question.
Note that while the “How?” guy isn’t addressing anyone specifically, the “Why?” guy most certainly is. He’s demanding
answers from the sports gods themselves. And the answer is always the same: “Because we hate you.”

7. The Fan Who Kind of Seems to Maybe Be Crying a Little Bit
Do not try to talk to this fan. Just pretend you didn’t notice. In fact, let’s all agree to never speak of this again.

8. The Over-the-Top Meltdown Fan
Featuring all the anger of Single F-Bomb Fan, but lacking his sense of self-control, this fan reacts to a loss the way a
toddler reacts to having a toy taken away: with screaming and other assorted histrionics. He makes everyone
uncomfortable when he is watching in a group, which he's probably not, because nobody likes having Over-the-Top
Meltdown Fans around.
There is a 10 percent chance this fan is legitimately unstable, and a 90 percent chance he's putting on a show because he's
recording himself for an obviously fake YouTube video.

9. The Pessimist
This fan spends almost the entire game predicting that something terrible is about to happen. Long before it becomes
clear that the game is going south, this fan will annoy everyone by coming up with increasingly negative scenarios that
he insists are about to unfold. Eventually, his lamentations become a source of constant background noise, like a
dripping faucet.
This will last until, inevitably, one of the other fans will threaten this person with physical violence if he doesn't shut up
immediately. It will probably be the “Punches the Wall” guy. Everyone else will nod silently.

10. The Fan Who Says “I Knew It”
Right after the game hits rock bottom and the outcome is no longer in doubt, this fan is there to tell you that he knew it
was going to happen all along. This usually means he repeats the phrase “I knew it” in increasingly aggravated fashion,
often to no one in particular. For some reason, this may also involve lots of agitated nodding.
By the way, this fan has no relation to The Pessimist, who at least gets credit for going negative early on. Instead, this
fan’s post-disaster “I knew it” tirade will be the first and only indication he's given all game long that he actually did
know it.

11. The Fan Who Keeps Yelling “What Are You Doing?!”
This amateur analyst has exactly one page in his playbook: Furiously gesturing at somebody while yelling “What are you
doing?” As the game goes on and the situation becomes more dire, this fan continues to zero in on somebody, anybody,
to criticize. By the end of the game, he’s doing it during every play, every replay, and most commercial breaks.
Note that this fan will never answer his own question, because he actually has absolutely no idea what anybody’s doing.

12. The Fan of the Other Team Who Is Trying to Be Respectful
There’s really no excuse for having this person present at all, but in rare cases it can’t be helped.
This fan is rooting for the other team, but at least he knows the deal. He's well aware that he's in enemy territory, and he
conducts himself accordingly. No taunting, no over-the-top celebrations, no jokes. He's all business.
Once the disaster has unfolded, this fan may offer muted condolences or try to share a story about a similar loss his team
once experienced. More likely, he'll just sit quietly and try not to make eye contact with anyone. At some point, he'll
quietly leave. At no point will anyone else acknowledge him.

13. The Fan of the Other Team Who Is Not Trying to Be Respectful
This fan may also be known by their alternate name, Fan Who Is Going to Be on the Front Page of the Newspaper
Tomorrow.

14. The Condescending Non-Fan
This person isn’t actually a sports fan and doesn’t really care about the game, but he has somehow ended up watching it
with you anyway. Condescending Non-Fans are probably either the unpopular roommate or somebody’s significant other
who insisted on tagging along.
They want your team to win because they can tell that it seems really important to everyone else, but they don’t
understand why. Once the game is over, they won’t appreciate the full magnitude of what’s just happened. They may
even try to liven the mood with jokes. Needless to say, this will be unsuccessful.
Eventually, the Condescending Non-Fan gets down to his specialty: trying to boost spirits by talking to you the way a
parent talks to a small child who just lost their first T-ball game. Expect him to say things like “Well, at least it was
really close” and “It was still a fun game to watch, right?” before asking whether it’s OK if they switch the TV over to
something else.
This person is the absolute worst.

15. The Fan Who Stays in the Back of the Room
This fan doesn’t want a front-row seat. He doesn't want the comfy chair off to the side. He doesn't want a spot near the
food. He just wants to be left alone at the back of the room, as far away as possible.
Nobody actually knows what this fan is doing back there. He might as well be in another country. Which, of course, is
exactly how he wants it.

16. The Fan Who Suddenly Has to go for a Walk
This fan responds to adversity by removing himself from the situation. Sometimes, this will be accompanied by a hurried
explanation. Often, he’ll just quietly get up and leave. You may or may not ever see him again.
If you find yourself watching an important game with this fan and he announces that he's leaving, let him go. Do not try
to talk him into staying. There’s a reason he doesn't trust himself to be around other human beings right now. You do not
want to find out what that reason is.

17. The Fan Who Isn’t There Because He Only Watches Big Games at Home Alone
You won’t see this fan because he's politely declined your invitation to watch the game with a group. He takes sports
more seriously than friendship or camaraderie or even basic human interaction, which is to say that he has his priorities
straight. (Side note: This fan’s absence also might be related to that one time that he was the Might Be Crying Fan.)
You may get a text message or two from this fan as the game goes on. More likely, you won’t. Once the game is over
and the magnitude of the disaster has become clear, be a good friend and phone in a police wellness check.

18. The Non-Reaction Fan
This fan barely acknowledges what’s just happened. In fact, you have to study him carefully to find any reaction at all.
He might slump slightly, or offer a subtle head shake. There’s a slim chance that he might mumble something
indecipherable under his breath.
But that’s it. Whatever chaos is unfolding around him, he won’t acknowledge it. If you didn’t know any better, you’d
almost think he was at peace with what he'd just seen. There’s a sense of serenity to him, like a still pond on a windless
morning.
Make no mistake: No fan is hurting worse than this one.

19. The Catatonic Fan
This is The Non-Reaction Fan’s more extreme cousin. Catatonic Fans don’t move. They stare straight ahead. They don’t
seem to be breathing. They don’t respond to external stimuli at all. You can walk right up to them and touch their
eyeball, and they won’t blink. There is a non-zero chance that they may actually be dead.
The guy in the no. 17 Wendel Clark jersey at the end of that Leafs video may be the greatest Catatonic Fan of all time.

20. The Fan Who Manages to Maintain Perspective
Yes, this fan is disappointed in the outcome of the game. But he also understands that a game played by a collection of
strangers is not going to have any impact on the truly important things in his life, like his health, his friendships and his
family. Put simply, he understands that there are higher priorities in the world than who wins or loses a sporting event.
 

Love this article. I'm a multiple f bomb mixed in with over the top meltdown when I'm really into it. After apathy sets in, catatonic fan.

I know one guy here who is 14. condescending non fan. I won't name names.
 

I cycle a lot between:

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and

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I have been:
2,3,6,9,10,12,16,17,18, and 20.

And that was just the Vikings the last two seasons.

I was #18 in front of a bunch of Packer fans at Thanksgiving as the Vikes lost to the Lions last year.

It was mixed with the "I knew it was coming", part.
 

I'm a mix of 4 and 20 most games. Though My lucky shirt streak has officially been broken so new Gopher shirt for this Saturday.
 

Weird mix of 1, 2 5, 6, 11 and 20 we've all been 12-13 before. I once chucked my phone across my apartment after a gopher hoops loss. The game we're Rodney missed the tying free throw I picked up my coffee table and slammed it to the ground. Told me he neighbors it was rough sex
 



I'm generally a "maintain perspective" fan mixed with a "WHAT ARE YOU EFFING DOING!" level of insight.

I prefer going to games of all sports and even, at times, casually interact with other season ticket owners; however, when I watch games on TV or video, I watch alone.
 

This list is specifically for meltdowns. In meltdowns I'm 15 & 18. If things are starting to head south in a big game....I'll just stand waaaaaay back in the kitchen and watch by myself. If/When the loss happens, I won't say a dang thing.

I will also be #12 when I end up watching the Packers with my in-laws.
 


I'm "What are you doing?" for sure. I also like to mix in "Why?" and "What the hell was that?" sometimes. I've got the perplexed look down pretty well from lots of practice over the years.
 

I'm definitely a single F-bomb fan. Usually in the middle of Jesus and ing Christ with a smattering of for F*$#'s sake thrown in for variety.

We have a Pessimist in our group of 6 season ticket holders. I call him Eeyore when things are going well and Nostradamus the rest of the time.

9. The Pessimist
This fan spends almost the entire game predicting that something terrible is about to happen. Long before it becomes
clear that the game is going south, this fan will annoy everyone by coming up with increasingly negative scenarios that
he insists are about to unfold. Eventually, his lamentations become a source of constant background noise, like a
dripping faucet.
This will last until, inevitably, one of the other fans will threaten this person with physical violence if he doesn't shut up
immediately. It will probably be the “Punches the Wall” guy. Everyone else will nod silently.
 

Total #2 Single F-bomb fan here. My poor dog hides in the other room when a game is on the TV.

#3 is funny. My teenage daughter is still a #3. When Blair Walsh missed the infamous field goal against the Seahawks at TCF she was standing in front of the TV and just cried Nooooooo as she collapsed to the floor. She laid stomach down on the floor in front of the TV for about 5 minutes after that.
 

I'm definitely a single F-bomb fan. Usually in the middle of Jesus and ing Christ with a smattering of for F*$#'s sake thrown in for variety.

We have a Pessimist in our group of 6 season ticket holders. I call him Eeyore when things are going well and Nostradamus the rest of the time.

9. The Pessimist
This fan spends almost the entire game predicting that something terrible is about to happen. Long before it becomes
clear that the game is going south, this fan will annoy everyone by coming up with increasingly negative scenarios that
he insists are about to unfold. Eventually, his lamentations become a source of constant background noise, like a
dripping faucet.
This will last until, inevitably, one of the other fans will threaten this person with physical violence if he doesn't shut up
immediately. It will probably be the “Punches the Wall” guy. Everyone else will nod silently.

I know lots of people who fit The Pessimist description. My dad is certainly one of them. I hear "they'll blow it" about five times a game in just about any sport involving a MN team. Unfortunately he's probably right more times than he is wrong.
 

Mostly an optimist sprinkled with doses of reality, profanity, and self pity.
 

Definitely #17 for me. Never will watch a gopher game with a big group of guys. Always prefer to watch it by myself where I can focus or with just one other die hard fan like me.
 

I'm definitely a single F-bomb fan. Usually in the middle of Jesus and ing Christ with a smattering of for F*$#'s sake thrown in for variety.

We have a Pessimist in our group of 6 season ticket holders. I call him Eeyore when things are going well and Nostradamus the rest of the time.

9. The Pessimist
This fan spends almost the entire game predicting that something terrible is about to happen. Long before it becomes
clear that the game is going south, this fan will annoy everyone by coming up with increasingly negative scenarios that
he insists are about to unfold. Eventually, his lamentations become a source of constant background noise, like a
dripping faucet.
This will last until, inevitably, one of the other fans will threaten this person with physical violence if he doesn't shut up
immediately. It will probably be the “Punches the Wall” guy. Everyone else will nod silently.

I think I know who you're talking about. :) You overstate the case.

When it comes to Gopher football, I'm probably like a lot of people on this board. I do wince like an abused dog occasionally, because I've been hurt many, many times by the Gophers. However, in the whole universe of Gopher fans, from casual to fanatic, I'm a fricking ray of godly optimism. I go into every game feeling like we can win. I watched the replay of the Purdue game with anxiety, hoping we'd go in for a TD at the end of the game this time.

I may be a bit of a pessimist compared to others here, because as a group we all have hope. But people in the real world are amused by my optimism.
 





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