DetlefWithTheEssenHaus
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Hey Axe-holes, it's stein time!
Yes, tis I, Detlef Erlichmann, the owner and proprietor of the Essen Haus in Madison. I dutifully return to this obscure portal of the interwebs to make my annual plea to the dwindling Gopher masses. In case you are new to the lost cause that is Gopher football follow this link(s) to come up to speed:
http://www.forums.gopherhole.com/boards/showthread.php?58290-Stein-Time-beyotches!&p=979181#post979181
Suffice it to say that since I'm wasting my time writing to this wretched forum I've yet to receive the Erlichmann familie stein from the thieving Gopher fan who stole it from my establishment . Since said stein is yet to be returned to the hallowed grounds from which I write this plea I have no other recourse than to remind you that your football program is set to be cursed for another year by my dearest Oma, a decorated witch hailing from Bavaria.
If you think this curse is a farce as yourself this question: when was the last time the Gophers defeated the Badgers in football? That time frame spans just a wee bit longer than how long the Erlichmann's treasured stein has gone missing which harkened my grandmother's curse upon your pigskin pride.
So let's recap the folly of your program since the Gophers rolled into Madison last November with the Big 10 West title on the line. 1) you lost a chance to play in your first meaningful postseason game in over 50 years when you blew the halftime lead against the Badgers 2) fell to 0-3 in bowl games under the Kill regime 3) have suffered season ending injuries to numerous starters and key reserves throughout the 2015 season 4) have lost the one man who gave your program hope, national recognition and a modicum of respect in Jerry Kill 5) your new head coach is a life-long assistant coach who look like two-thirds of my regular customers at the Essen Haus and 6) your coaching staffs inability to execute junior varsity level clock-management skills cost your fandom one of the many trinkets your program futilely plays for - a ceramic water bottle. BFD! At least our 2 programs honor thy game by playing for a more worthy relic that can bludgeon the loser.
Now compare that to past 12 months of the superior mammalian mascot who will invade your stadiette this Saturday. 1) Badgers won yet another divisional Big 10 title last year 2) Badgers won yet another bowl game in the defeat of Auburn last year 3) Badgers got "their" coach in the prodigal son, Paul Chryst, and not some by-default, discount-priced assistant 4) In the eyes of our fans we are having a down year having won only 8 games which is the definition of a most successful season in the Gophersotan language.
So to recap: the Gopher fan who still has the stein from the Essen Haus is to return it to its proper locale otherwise your football program will face another 12 months of cursed existence. Return said stein and my grandmother will lift her curse upon Gopher football and you may once again prosper against the great programs of the Big 10 West - Iowa, Wisconsin and Nebraska.
Yes, tis I, Detlef Erlichmann, the owner and proprietor of the Essen Haus in Madison. I dutifully return to this obscure portal of the interwebs to make my annual plea to the dwindling Gopher masses. In case you are new to the lost cause that is Gopher football follow this link(s) to come up to speed:
http://www.forums.gopherhole.com/boards/showthread.php?58290-Stein-Time-beyotches!&p=979181#post979181
Suffice it to say that since I'm wasting my time writing to this wretched forum I've yet to receive the Erlichmann familie stein from the thieving Gopher fan who stole it from my establishment . Since said stein is yet to be returned to the hallowed grounds from which I write this plea I have no other recourse than to remind you that your football program is set to be cursed for another year by my dearest Oma, a decorated witch hailing from Bavaria.
If you think this curse is a farce as yourself this question: when was the last time the Gophers defeated the Badgers in football? That time frame spans just a wee bit longer than how long the Erlichmann's treasured stein has gone missing which harkened my grandmother's curse upon your pigskin pride.
So let's recap the folly of your program since the Gophers rolled into Madison last November with the Big 10 West title on the line. 1) you lost a chance to play in your first meaningful postseason game in over 50 years when you blew the halftime lead against the Badgers 2) fell to 0-3 in bowl games under the Kill regime 3) have suffered season ending injuries to numerous starters and key reserves throughout the 2015 season 4) have lost the one man who gave your program hope, national recognition and a modicum of respect in Jerry Kill 5) your new head coach is a life-long assistant coach who look like two-thirds of my regular customers at the Essen Haus and 6) your coaching staffs inability to execute junior varsity level clock-management skills cost your fandom one of the many trinkets your program futilely plays for - a ceramic water bottle. BFD! At least our 2 programs honor thy game by playing for a more worthy relic that can bludgeon the loser.
Now compare that to past 12 months of the superior mammalian mascot who will invade your stadiette this Saturday. 1) Badgers won yet another divisional Big 10 title last year 2) Badgers won yet another bowl game in the defeat of Auburn last year 3) Badgers got "their" coach in the prodigal son, Paul Chryst, and not some by-default, discount-priced assistant 4) In the eyes of our fans we are having a down year having won only 8 games which is the definition of a most successful season in the Gophersotan language.
So to recap: the Gopher fan who still has the stein from the Essen Haus is to return it to its proper locale otherwise your football program will face another 12 months of cursed existence. Return said stein and my grandmother will lift her curse upon Gopher football and you may once again prosper against the great programs of the Big 10 West - Iowa, Wisconsin and Nebraska.
