DetlefWithTheEssenHaus
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Yes, it is I, Detlef Erlichmann, proprietor of the Essen Haus in Madison and staunch supporter of Badger football with my annual placitum for the return of the precious 5 Liter stein that was pilfered from my establishment on the evening of November 5, 2004 by a Gopher football fan. Why should you care as a Gopher fan? Well, you shouldn't if you are satisfied with the current state of your sorry program. But if you ever want to see the sun reflect off the San Gabriel Mountains through your maroon-and-gold colored sunglasses in early January ever again you will heed my demands. You may be wondering "Who the hell is this guy?" Well here is an intro:
http://www.forums.gopherhole.com/boards/showthread.php?t=8852
http://thehole84398.yuku.com/topic/8423/t/I-am-back-to-bode-doom-and-gloom-to-all-Gopher-fans.html
For 5 years I have sought out the return of our family's heirloom and nary a note nor picture of said stein has found its way back to me. For those of you wondering I'll cut to the chase. Yes, my grandmother, an annointed witch, is still alive and filled with as much piss and vinegar as a nonagenarian can delve out. The spell that she put forth upon your football program is still in effect and as your record shows is working quite well. I have gone to extreme measures in an attempt to regain our antique stein recently. An attempt was made by my staff to contact officials within the University of Minnesota football program. We got as far as Coach Brewster's secretary who seemed very interested in ameliorating our plight. I recorded my conversation with her and was privvy to her brief conversation inside of Coach Brewster's office:
Coach Brewster: "Tremendous. Now you're trying to tell me that some old bitty over in Germany cast a spell over our football program while I was in Denver for something that smug-ass Glen Mason did."
Secretary: "No coach. Glen Mason didn't steal this stein. Some Gopher fan walked out of this bar and it made the owner mad and then the owner's grandmother doomed Gopher football for all of eternity. Or at least that is the jist of it."
Coach Brewster: "Jesus H. I got enough problems. I got John Clay about to run over us like Ron fricken' Dayne. My wife is on line 2 and she tells me the realtor says we should lower our house another $150,000 because it ain't selling. I'm supposed to do an interview with that 4-eyed dweeb from ESPN.com in 10 minutes. Dammit, I should just take a toke like half my players to lighten up. Can you just get me another coffee?"
Secretary: "Sorry to have bothered you Coach. I'll just let the gentlemen know you can't help him right now. "
Coach Brewster: "Listen. Trust me. If this stein thing is what we need to beat Wisconsin I'd use all my frequent flyer miles right now and fly off to Germany and seranade this grandma but I don't have time. On second thought I want to save those miles. I might need a long vacation come December."
This recent attempt at recovery has left me no other measures but to retaliate. I hate to do this to a fellow barkeep but I felt I had no other option. Last week I convened with some of my most trusted staff here at the Essen Haus. We devised a sinister plan to abscond from a famous Minneapolis landmark with their most valuable asset. This operation required cunning, as opposed to the cowardly Gopher fan who removed our stein by tucking it into a sweatshirt leaving through the back door.
Very few individuals outside the hospitality and brewery business know this but within the City of Minneapolis lies a most treasured artifact. An item of such humble origins yet capable of reviving the dead, or almost dead. One sip of the nectar-of-the-Gods from this amber hued chalice can restore the soul and bring the dead back to life. Simple to look at, this jug, a growler in today's parlance, bestows upon those that drink from it a life-changing transformation for the good.
This item has been kept in a storage room at the Town Hall Brewery of the Seven Corners area of Minneapolis since October 1997. Legend has it that this jug bottled the first batch of moonshined "whiskey" in the State of Minnesota the day the Volstead Act (aka National Prohibition Act) passed Congress in 1919. The aforementioned whiskey, not yet illegal as Prohibition did not officially start until January 1920, was being manufactured for speakeasys in now what is the Seven Corners area. A freak late fall thunderstorm ripped through Minneapolis the day the whiskey batch arrived. Apparently a thunderbolt out of the sky unleashed its electric maelstorm and blew apart the whole batch of whiskey save for this lone jug which lay unharmed amidst the ruins. It is said that this very act coined the phrase "lightning in a bottle."
Long story short, we escaped the clandestine operation unharmed and in possession of our goal which now resides in an undisclosed location near the Essen Haus. I am loathe to harbor the jug in my facility given the onslaught of Gopher fans about to descend upon Madison this upcoming weekend. We have attached a picture as a file to authenticate our loot.
Again, my sincere apologies to the good people that run the Town Hall Brewery for stealing the infamous Holy Growler. We had to resort to such measures since our family's precious 5 Liter stein has yet to be returned to the Essen Haus and the Erlichmann family after 5 plus years of unresponded requests. If it ever became public record that such a relic was residing near the University of Minnesota campus I fear that those that run the football program would be tempted sell their souls to the devil to drink from the magical Growler in an attempt to resurrect their pathetic football team. I could not let this happen as it may reverse my grandmother's curse.
All I am asking for on behalf of the Erlichmann clan is a return of the 5 Liter stein that was stolen by a Gopher football fan in November, 2004. Then and only then will the curse be reversed and the Gopher football program return to near mediocrity rather than where it now languishes.
P.S. It may be in the best interest of Gopher football if someone were to e-mail this storyline to your next coach.
http://www.forums.gopherhole.com/boards/showthread.php?t=8852
http://thehole84398.yuku.com/topic/8423/t/I-am-back-to-bode-doom-and-gloom-to-all-Gopher-fans.html
For 5 years I have sought out the return of our family's heirloom and nary a note nor picture of said stein has found its way back to me. For those of you wondering I'll cut to the chase. Yes, my grandmother, an annointed witch, is still alive and filled with as much piss and vinegar as a nonagenarian can delve out. The spell that she put forth upon your football program is still in effect and as your record shows is working quite well. I have gone to extreme measures in an attempt to regain our antique stein recently. An attempt was made by my staff to contact officials within the University of Minnesota football program. We got as far as Coach Brewster's secretary who seemed very interested in ameliorating our plight. I recorded my conversation with her and was privvy to her brief conversation inside of Coach Brewster's office:
Coach Brewster: "Tremendous. Now you're trying to tell me that some old bitty over in Germany cast a spell over our football program while I was in Denver for something that smug-ass Glen Mason did."
Secretary: "No coach. Glen Mason didn't steal this stein. Some Gopher fan walked out of this bar and it made the owner mad and then the owner's grandmother doomed Gopher football for all of eternity. Or at least that is the jist of it."
Coach Brewster: "Jesus H. I got enough problems. I got John Clay about to run over us like Ron fricken' Dayne. My wife is on line 2 and she tells me the realtor says we should lower our house another $150,000 because it ain't selling. I'm supposed to do an interview with that 4-eyed dweeb from ESPN.com in 10 minutes. Dammit, I should just take a toke like half my players to lighten up. Can you just get me another coffee?"
Secretary: "Sorry to have bothered you Coach. I'll just let the gentlemen know you can't help him right now. "
Coach Brewster: "Listen. Trust me. If this stein thing is what we need to beat Wisconsin I'd use all my frequent flyer miles right now and fly off to Germany and seranade this grandma but I don't have time. On second thought I want to save those miles. I might need a long vacation come December."
This recent attempt at recovery has left me no other measures but to retaliate. I hate to do this to a fellow barkeep but I felt I had no other option. Last week I convened with some of my most trusted staff here at the Essen Haus. We devised a sinister plan to abscond from a famous Minneapolis landmark with their most valuable asset. This operation required cunning, as opposed to the cowardly Gopher fan who removed our stein by tucking it into a sweatshirt leaving through the back door.
Very few individuals outside the hospitality and brewery business know this but within the City of Minneapolis lies a most treasured artifact. An item of such humble origins yet capable of reviving the dead, or almost dead. One sip of the nectar-of-the-Gods from this amber hued chalice can restore the soul and bring the dead back to life. Simple to look at, this jug, a growler in today's parlance, bestows upon those that drink from it a life-changing transformation for the good.
This item has been kept in a storage room at the Town Hall Brewery of the Seven Corners area of Minneapolis since October 1997. Legend has it that this jug bottled the first batch of moonshined "whiskey" in the State of Minnesota the day the Volstead Act (aka National Prohibition Act) passed Congress in 1919. The aforementioned whiskey, not yet illegal as Prohibition did not officially start until January 1920, was being manufactured for speakeasys in now what is the Seven Corners area. A freak late fall thunderstorm ripped through Minneapolis the day the whiskey batch arrived. Apparently a thunderbolt out of the sky unleashed its electric maelstorm and blew apart the whole batch of whiskey save for this lone jug which lay unharmed amidst the ruins. It is said that this very act coined the phrase "lightning in a bottle."
Long story short, we escaped the clandestine operation unharmed and in possession of our goal which now resides in an undisclosed location near the Essen Haus. I am loathe to harbor the jug in my facility given the onslaught of Gopher fans about to descend upon Madison this upcoming weekend. We have attached a picture as a file to authenticate our loot.
Again, my sincere apologies to the good people that run the Town Hall Brewery for stealing the infamous Holy Growler. We had to resort to such measures since our family's precious 5 Liter stein has yet to be returned to the Essen Haus and the Erlichmann family after 5 plus years of unresponded requests. If it ever became public record that such a relic was residing near the University of Minnesota campus I fear that those that run the football program would be tempted sell their souls to the devil to drink from the magical Growler in an attempt to resurrect their pathetic football team. I could not let this happen as it may reverse my grandmother's curse.
All I am asking for on behalf of the Erlichmann clan is a return of the 5 Liter stein that was stolen by a Gopher football fan in November, 2004. Then and only then will the curse be reversed and the Gopher football program return to near mediocrity rather than where it now languishes.
P.S. It may be in the best interest of Gopher football if someone were to e-mail this storyline to your next coach.
