The Bold and the Gopherhole: A retrospective
Prelude: For those who have frequented the board only recently since Tubby Smith’s hire, you really can’t know the suffering endured here together on the Gopherhole. However, the adversity made us pull together, and pulled us apart. Fierce lines and alliances were formed, stories were written, posters were banned, legends were made.
Little known to those outside of these gopherhole aficionado’s, the real stories behind the scenes can now be shared. What follows are the previously unreleased transcripts of interviews by Joel Maturi and gopher insiders. How important are these, now that the future of Gopher basketball hangs in the balance as top tier programs continue to tempt Tubby with delusions of grandeur:
Our story opens more than 2 years ago at Uncle Bob’s Family Restaurant just off hiway 2 in Fosston, Minnesota. Two men sit at a table, a third man dressed in spotless overalls and a feed cap is seated not far from them and is seeeemingly engrossed in a seed catalogue…
Joel: Thanks for meeting me here again where we can talk in private.
(earnestly) Flip…I want you…
Flip: I know you do…
Joel: I’ve always wanted you…
Flip: I want you, too…but I just can’t leave right now…try to understand…soon though…
Joel: (desperation creeping in) I can’t wait forever, you know.
The third man gets up, stops at the jukebox, and England Dan & John Ford Coley begin to sing: “Oh its sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along…”
Just days later, back at Uncle Bob’s Family Restaurant just off hiway 2 in Fosston, another meeting is taking place…
Joel: Thank you for meeting me here, Robert. I thought we could talk in private here a bit. I need to tell you I’m concerned there may be some opposition to the idea of hiring you.
Bobby: Do you think that bothers me in the slightest? It doesn’t. Nothing anyone else thinks bothers me.
Joel: Well I’m sure that’s admirable, Robert but…
Bobby: Listen, John…
Joel: It’s Joel…
Bobby: Whatever. I live my life as I see fit and I don’t answer to anyone. Never have, never will. Do you have a problem with that?
Joel: Well, I, um…
Bobby: I expect my players to live up to high standards and I expect to win. Are you going to eat those fries?
Joel: Well…
Bobby: (shaking a fry for emphasis) I simply do things the way I think they should be done. People can either accept it or get the h-ll out of my way.
Joel: (aside to waitress) Um…check, please…
Its been another emotional week on the Bold and the Gopherhole, the intensity of which our intrepid gang wished it would see on the court. In the bowels of the University think-tank, "Don" Joel Maturi paces as “Speak Softly Love” croons in the background…:
Joel: (speaking into his intercom) Janet, can I see you in here please?
Janet: Right away, Mr. Maturi.
Joel: Call me Don.
Janet: What, Mr. Maturi?
Joel: Never mind, come in here please.
Janet: Right away, Mr. Maturi.
(Janet enters)
Janet: Yes, Mr Maturi!
Joel: Did you send that carp to the football offices?
Janet: I did, but I don’t understand it.
Joel: It means Mason sleeps with the fishes.
Janet: What? I just don’t understand, Mr. Maturi. What happened to Mr. Mason?
Joel: Let’s just say, I saw the light, Oh-oh-oh, I saw the light! They don’t call it the Insight Bowl for nothin’.
Janet: But Mr. Maturi! We don’t have a basketball coach OR a football coach now. What are you going to do?
Joel: I’m gonna hire Flip and Dungy.
Janet: (awed) How are you going to do that, sir?
Joel: I’m gonna make them an offer they can’t refuse.
Janet: Ooooo, Don…I mean, Joel! I think you’re wonderful!
Joel: Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking.
Janet: I’m not really thinking anything, sir.
Joel: I coulda been a contender!
Janet: I’m pretty sure that the wrong movie, sir.
…It’s been a difficult week on the Bold and the Gopherhole. While the football side had only a few weeks to hang in Limbo without their coaching situation resolved, basketball fans continue to languish as the fortunes of the team continue to plummet…
Meanwhile, Joel Maturi finally has an important meeting at Red Savoy’s with a portly candidate for his next head coach position:
Joel: Thank you for meeting me here, Rick. I thought it would be good if we had a little chat.
Rick: No problem, John
Joel: Its Joel.
Rick: Right. This pizza’s terrific. Great sauce. Nothing like this in Utah. Mormons don’t do spice well. I read on a message board that they had great pizza here.
Joel: I’m glad to see you’re also enjoying your salad, Rick.
Rick: Well, like I always told Bobby Knight, nothing good happens around a salad bar. But I’m spotted near one frequently these days. I’m working on giving up dead animals on the grill.
Joel: Um, I’m sure that’s a challenge.
Rick: You bet. I’m starting to run into Jennifer Aniston when I’m out for dinner. It’s depressing.
Joel: Ah, yes. So well Rick, how would you feel about coaching our team – we’re struggling a bit. Wouldn’t you prefer to coach a top tier team like, say, Wisconsin or UCLA?
Rick: Well, sure. But that’s kind of like asking if a guy would like to make love to Cindy Crawford. I think I'd like that challenge. I guess I'd say, `Cindy, I'm sorry it didn't work out with Richard Gere. I'll try to do the best I can.'
Joel: (giggling) I see your point. But I must say, with all the controversy we’ve had we need a guy who is squeaky clean.
Rick: Don’t worry, Jeff. Some guys smoke. Some guys drink. Some guys chase women.
I'm a big barbecue-sauce guy.
We interrupt your gopherhole day to bring you a special news bulletin.
The scene is the Situation Room at the University of Minnesota. Dr. Bruinicks, Joel Maturi, and members of the media; television, radio, the press fill the room to capacity. Prexy B steps to the podium.
Dr. Bruinicks: I want to thank you all for coming today. This is a very exciting moment for Gopher Basketball. Our Athletic Director John Maturi..
Joel: Um, it's Joel...
Dr. Bruinicks: Right...has worked long and hard on this new hire and we stand here with great confidence that he has got it right and that we are standing on the cusp of a new era in Gopher Basketball. We feel we have hit the proverbial "Home Run" with this hire and know with your support, our program can look forward to years of success in developing student athletes.
Joel: I couldn't be more pleased to stand here and introduce your new University of Minnesota Men's Basketball coach. So, without further ado, I'm going to ask him to come forward now - a man who needs no introduction...
A door to the left of the stage opens and Rick Majerus enters the room, amid applause
BUT at almost the same moment, a door to the right of the stage opens and Flip Saunders enters. Applause crescendos and then, predictably, dies completely...
Rick: What's HE doing here?
Flip: What's HE doing here?!
Prexy B. (to Maturi) What is going on here?
Joel: (whispering frantically) I thought Charley said you weren't coming...
Flip: (tries to whisper, but fails) Charley WHO?
Walters: Sh...t...
Rick: What am I going to tell mother?!
Mike Max: Dr. Bruinicks, would you care to comment on the employment picture for your AD
Dr. Bruinicks: I'm not going to go there. Not yet. Someone pull that plug...
BUT WAIT:
A masked man enters the room on a white horse. With his rapier, he etches a “T” on the front of Joel Maturi’s sweater vest. Peasants in the crowd toss their hats in the air, bells in neighborhood cathedrals rings, world peace ensues, the budget balances, banks are suddenly solvent. The era of Tubby Smith begins.
MUCH HAS HAPPENS SINCE THESE EVENTS TOOK PLACE - STAY TUNED AS WE CONTINUE WITH THE REAL TIME DRAMAS AROUND “THE BOLD AND THE GOPHERHOLE”
Prelude: For those who have frequented the board only recently since Tubby Smith’s hire, you really can’t know the suffering endured here together on the Gopherhole. However, the adversity made us pull together, and pulled us apart. Fierce lines and alliances were formed, stories were written, posters were banned, legends were made.
Little known to those outside of these gopherhole aficionado’s, the real stories behind the scenes can now be shared. What follows are the previously unreleased transcripts of interviews by Joel Maturi and gopher insiders. How important are these, now that the future of Gopher basketball hangs in the balance as top tier programs continue to tempt Tubby with delusions of grandeur:
Our story opens more than 2 years ago at Uncle Bob’s Family Restaurant just off hiway 2 in Fosston, Minnesota. Two men sit at a table, a third man dressed in spotless overalls and a feed cap is seated not far from them and is seeeemingly engrossed in a seed catalogue…
Joel: Thanks for meeting me here again where we can talk in private.
(earnestly) Flip…I want you…
Flip: I know you do…
Joel: I’ve always wanted you…
Flip: I want you, too…but I just can’t leave right now…try to understand…soon though…
Joel: (desperation creeping in) I can’t wait forever, you know.
The third man gets up, stops at the jukebox, and England Dan & John Ford Coley begin to sing: “Oh its sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along…”
Just days later, back at Uncle Bob’s Family Restaurant just off hiway 2 in Fosston, another meeting is taking place…
Joel: Thank you for meeting me here, Robert. I thought we could talk in private here a bit. I need to tell you I’m concerned there may be some opposition to the idea of hiring you.
Bobby: Do you think that bothers me in the slightest? It doesn’t. Nothing anyone else thinks bothers me.
Joel: Well I’m sure that’s admirable, Robert but…
Bobby: Listen, John…
Joel: It’s Joel…
Bobby: Whatever. I live my life as I see fit and I don’t answer to anyone. Never have, never will. Do you have a problem with that?
Joel: Well, I, um…
Bobby: I expect my players to live up to high standards and I expect to win. Are you going to eat those fries?
Joel: Well…
Bobby: (shaking a fry for emphasis) I simply do things the way I think they should be done. People can either accept it or get the h-ll out of my way.
Joel: (aside to waitress) Um…check, please…
Its been another emotional week on the Bold and the Gopherhole, the intensity of which our intrepid gang wished it would see on the court. In the bowels of the University think-tank, "Don" Joel Maturi paces as “Speak Softly Love” croons in the background…:
Joel: (speaking into his intercom) Janet, can I see you in here please?
Janet: Right away, Mr. Maturi.
Joel: Call me Don.
Janet: What, Mr. Maturi?
Joel: Never mind, come in here please.
Janet: Right away, Mr. Maturi.
(Janet enters)
Janet: Yes, Mr Maturi!
Joel: Did you send that carp to the football offices?
Janet: I did, but I don’t understand it.
Joel: It means Mason sleeps with the fishes.
Janet: What? I just don’t understand, Mr. Maturi. What happened to Mr. Mason?
Joel: Let’s just say, I saw the light, Oh-oh-oh, I saw the light! They don’t call it the Insight Bowl for nothin’.
Janet: But Mr. Maturi! We don’t have a basketball coach OR a football coach now. What are you going to do?
Joel: I’m gonna hire Flip and Dungy.
Janet: (awed) How are you going to do that, sir?
Joel: I’m gonna make them an offer they can’t refuse.
Janet: Ooooo, Don…I mean, Joel! I think you’re wonderful!
Joel: Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking.
Janet: I’m not really thinking anything, sir.
Joel: I coulda been a contender!
Janet: I’m pretty sure that the wrong movie, sir.
…It’s been a difficult week on the Bold and the Gopherhole. While the football side had only a few weeks to hang in Limbo without their coaching situation resolved, basketball fans continue to languish as the fortunes of the team continue to plummet…
Meanwhile, Joel Maturi finally has an important meeting at Red Savoy’s with a portly candidate for his next head coach position:
Joel: Thank you for meeting me here, Rick. I thought it would be good if we had a little chat.
Rick: No problem, John
Joel: Its Joel.
Rick: Right. This pizza’s terrific. Great sauce. Nothing like this in Utah. Mormons don’t do spice well. I read on a message board that they had great pizza here.
Joel: I’m glad to see you’re also enjoying your salad, Rick.
Rick: Well, like I always told Bobby Knight, nothing good happens around a salad bar. But I’m spotted near one frequently these days. I’m working on giving up dead animals on the grill.
Joel: Um, I’m sure that’s a challenge.
Rick: You bet. I’m starting to run into Jennifer Aniston when I’m out for dinner. It’s depressing.
Joel: Ah, yes. So well Rick, how would you feel about coaching our team – we’re struggling a bit. Wouldn’t you prefer to coach a top tier team like, say, Wisconsin or UCLA?
Rick: Well, sure. But that’s kind of like asking if a guy would like to make love to Cindy Crawford. I think I'd like that challenge. I guess I'd say, `Cindy, I'm sorry it didn't work out with Richard Gere. I'll try to do the best I can.'
Joel: (giggling) I see your point. But I must say, with all the controversy we’ve had we need a guy who is squeaky clean.
Rick: Don’t worry, Jeff. Some guys smoke. Some guys drink. Some guys chase women.
I'm a big barbecue-sauce guy.
We interrupt your gopherhole day to bring you a special news bulletin.
The scene is the Situation Room at the University of Minnesota. Dr. Bruinicks, Joel Maturi, and members of the media; television, radio, the press fill the room to capacity. Prexy B steps to the podium.
Dr. Bruinicks: I want to thank you all for coming today. This is a very exciting moment for Gopher Basketball. Our Athletic Director John Maturi..
Joel: Um, it's Joel...
Dr. Bruinicks: Right...has worked long and hard on this new hire and we stand here with great confidence that he has got it right and that we are standing on the cusp of a new era in Gopher Basketball. We feel we have hit the proverbial "Home Run" with this hire and know with your support, our program can look forward to years of success in developing student athletes.
Joel: I couldn't be more pleased to stand here and introduce your new University of Minnesota Men's Basketball coach. So, without further ado, I'm going to ask him to come forward now - a man who needs no introduction...
A door to the left of the stage opens and Rick Majerus enters the room, amid applause
BUT at almost the same moment, a door to the right of the stage opens and Flip Saunders enters. Applause crescendos and then, predictably, dies completely...
Rick: What's HE doing here?
Flip: What's HE doing here?!
Prexy B. (to Maturi) What is going on here?
Joel: (whispering frantically) I thought Charley said you weren't coming...
Flip: (tries to whisper, but fails) Charley WHO?
Walters: Sh...t...
Rick: What am I going to tell mother?!
Mike Max: Dr. Bruinicks, would you care to comment on the employment picture for your AD
Dr. Bruinicks: I'm not going to go there. Not yet. Someone pull that plug...
BUT WAIT:
A masked man enters the room on a white horse. With his rapier, he etches a “T” on the front of Joel Maturi’s sweater vest. Peasants in the crowd toss their hats in the air, bells in neighborhood cathedrals rings, world peace ensues, the budget balances, banks are suddenly solvent. The era of Tubby Smith begins.
MUCH HAS HAPPENS SINCE THESE EVENTS TOOK PLACE - STAY TUNED AS WE CONTINUE WITH THE REAL TIME DRAMAS AROUND “THE BOLD AND THE GOPHERHOLE”
